Its been a while since I revealed a meaningful inspiration. Not that I have not been inspired. It’s just that I have admittedly been so into things seemingly not going the way that I had hoped and prayed they would go for so many years I honestly just about– and I am still trying to catch up with what almost passed me by– missed my Blessing.
I will spare the gory details. Suffice it to say,I am almost too ashamed to tell it. You see, I have been experiencing the proverbial “been down so long syndrome,that I did not realize when I was going up”. I probably should not write it exactly like that,but it is the hard cold and raw truth. Call it hurt,anger,disappointment in not having it my way and being mad at god for taking so long. Yes. That is the not so inspiring half of someone who is supposed to be able to generate inspiration on the toss of a flower or the drop of a hat. Throw in an avalanche of discovering things about life and people and friends that I could have been better off not knowing and wondering wildly to myself how on earth did I take such a detour. And,since I’ve studied some theology and preached a few sermons I have attained a level where I can call the experience my wilderness years. I don’t mind sharing the story straight with no chaser. The only thing I have left to do at this point is actually smile and shout for joy!
And, I can do it now with a purity of emotion that I have not experienced since I was a child who wanted so desparately to travel with her uncle,cousins and brothers and sisters on a special trip over to their home one night but got left behind. I think I can count that as one of the big traumas of my childhood. At least its one of those primal experiences that never leaves the psyche. Anyway,I remember it to this day,just as if I were in that instant so many years ago. I recall the disappointment and hurt as a result of others that I loved and wanted to be with,embarking on a journey without me. Call it separation anxiety, pitching a fit or having a spasm I was railing that night.I must have cried all night long,if not outwardly,the tears were still streaming on the inside.
Now you are probably wondering what this has to do with victory. Well, to tell you the truth so am I. I think I can take a crack at it and say this. Sometimes we can get so tied up in our emotions and wanting things to go a particular way and within a projected time span that we can’t even recognize when god has answered our prayer or already provided what we are brooding, kicking and screaming or pouting about.
Like my mother was patient and understanding with me as I was going through my tantrum that night at home as a little girl whose hopes had been dashed,I am thankful for patient and understanding friends who have waited quite a while until I came to.
God bless you and I love you.
Peace,
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